


Down by the Sea

by lillyab_9278



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew Minyard Loves Neil Josten, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Edgar Allan Ravens (All For The Game), Hurt Neil Josten, M/M, Not Beta Read, POV Neil Josten, Protective Andrew Minyard, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, USC Trojans (All For The Game)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:48:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27590245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lillyab_9278/pseuds/lillyab_9278
Summary: Regardless of whatever mutual respect had built between Aaron and Neil over the last few years Neil felt ready to kill him as he stared at the tasteful invitation in his hand. The script was nice, surely curtesy of Katelyn’s careful choice, and it wasn't that he wasn’t happy for their wedding, he just couldn’t stop staring at the location.Laguana Beach, CaliforniaApparently, Katelyn and Aaron wanted to get married on a beach. In California. The very place Neil didn’t think he could bear to go. And, it was in two weeks.
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Alvarez/Laila Dermott, Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau, Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Kevin Day & Neil Josten, Neil Josten & Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten & The Foxes (All For The Game), Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 86





	Down by the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my art on Instagram at @la.b.art, I've done a lot of stuff for these books :)  
> Thank you all for reading!

Regardless of whatever mutual respect had built between Aaron and Neil over the last few years Neil felt ready to kill him as he stared at the tasteful invitation in his hand. The script was nice, surely curtesy of Katelyn’s careful choice, and it wasn't that he wasn’t happy for their wedding, he just couldn’t stop staring at the location. 

Laguana Beach, California 

Apparently, Katelyn and Aaron wanted to get married on a beach. In California. The very place Neil didn’t think he could bear to go. And, it was in two weeks. 

How was this fair? He wanted to move on from his demons and focus on his new family. He wanted to watch Andrew all night and drink until his vision clouded with figures. He wanted to watch Dan and Matt dance, and eventually join in, He wanted to glare at Kevin and roll his eyes at Nicky. He didn’t want to shake with the lingering memory of his mother or crave her touch and smell. He didn’t want to think of her rough hands on his face or her burning body or the stiff way she moved before she died. 

Neil just didn’t know if he could do it. He hadn't felt sand between his toes or heard the rhythmic crashes of foamy waves since that last day with his Mom, and the idea of revisiting that dark crater of his heart was so repulsive his skin crawled. A part of him felt like he should already be past this. He had more than he ever could have pictured for himself, a home, a career, and a trust in Andrew he hadn't had with anyone before, not even his mother. 

This was the very list he decided to repeat whenever he started to think about the panic that was sure to ensue. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. 

Neil unclenched his teeth and set his shoulders back. Glancing around the empty dorm he tried to decide what exactly he should do for the rest of the day to silence the blood rushing around his head. Andrew and Aaron were having a session with Bee and Kevin was obsessively training with the new Foxes. That left Nicky, Matt, or the girls, but he didn’t really feel like painting on an optimistic face around them and he didn’t want to sour the glowing pride and excitement he knew they felt for Aaron. Icy eyes snagging on his worn-down running shoes he made up his mind. 

After lacing up his shoes and quietly moving down the stairs Neil took his first full breath since he opened the cream envelope. He began his steady run through campus at a grueling pace, but never slowed down or gave himself enough time to think. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy - 

He tripped on a crack in the pavement and went tumbling down to the weedy road, skinning his knee and ripping a whole in Andrew old sweatpants. 

Cursing, he lifted himself off the ground and felt the urge to cry. What. The. Hell. Neil Josten doesn’t cry over skinned knees. It was barely bleeding, and it wasn’t a hard fall at all. But the tears are fueled by the pain in his chest that he has been ignoring for the last hour. He just couldn't get her words out of his head or stop thinking about how disappointed she would be in his decisions. He can't stop thinking about how his mother, his own mother, would hate the person he had become. And it just isn't fair. 

That’s when it starts. An enormous weight settles on Neils chest and his throat closes. There just isn't enough oxygen in the world to melt this pain, and the panic swirling around him is sharp and cruel. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. HOME. EXY. ANDREW. He tries to repeat but the words keep coming into his brain all jumbled and useless. With every choaked breath his chest shakes, and he thinks he forgot how to open his eyes. Everything is spinning and screaming and shaking and - 

“Neil” Andrews even voice cuts through the sound of Neil pulling his Mom’s body off the burnt car ringing around his tortured skull. Neil wants to get up, but he just can't. His legs forgot how to work, and he isn't sure if he knows who he's supposed to be anymore? “Neil”, Andrews voice cuts through the static again but this time it’s closer and louder. 

The hot hand on the back of his neck is like a breath of life. Neil’s eyes snap open and his chest feels infinitely bigger. Suddenly the other things just don’t matter as much. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. He doesn’t wonder how he got here, or what he's thinking, or anything other than how lucky he is to have him here, and how he may be the last unmovable rock in Neils tornado. Without another word Andrew leads Neil to the passenger side of the car. Neil feels so empty and so full at the same time, but he doesn’t have the words to tell Andrew. Andrew doesn’t seem to mind though and drives them home silently. 

Andrew parks the car but doesn't unlock the passenger door, and Neil understands his silent command instantly. His voice is rushed and broken when he explains, “Aaron’s wedding invitation came today”. Andrew still doesn’t look his way, “So?” Neil has to dig deep into his heart to summon the words “It's in California...on the beach” Andrew is silent for a long time before he adjusts his arm bands, unlocks the car, and mutters something Neil can't understand. 

Neil gets out on shaky legs and has to remind himself before he takes a step toward the tower. Home. One step. Exy. Another Step. Andrew. Another. He does this until he finally reaches his floor, when he looks up and sees Andrew heading for the roof. He doesn’t know what to do. He could join Andrew, but he still doesn’t know how to talk about what he's feeling, and he knows Andrew will get frustrated if he just says he's “fine”. After stalling for a moment too long he joins Andrew up the stairs and out the door where they settle in their usual spot. 

The silence is comforting. Theres no other way to put it. Andrews quiet understanding is more than Neil could ever ask for and he starts to forget about the torture of the day when Andrew lights a cigarette. A fucking cigarette. And so Neil feels the world fall apart again at the first smell of his mother. He wants to scream and rip off his skin and cry and jump off the roof all at once, but instead he just freezes and focuses on actually letting air into his lungs. 

Andrews looks up with a sneer, likely ready to ask what the strangled noise that just came out of Neils closing through was, when he catches a view of Neils panicked eyes and put the pieces together in less than a second. Andrew curses and throws the cigarette of the roof, but it isn't enough. Neil knows he has to talk now, he can't let this go on. 

“I - I don’t know if I can handle being there... on the beach” he says, he's not embarrassed, just upset that he can't enjoy the things he wants to with the people he loves. “Ok.” Andrew says after a brief pause. He doesn't press him to reveal the details, but Neil thinks he wants Andrew to know, and he trusts him enough that he knows it won't leave the roof. “She- uh- she died on the beach” Andrew stops swinging his legs over the ledge of the roof. “She died and I burned her body and buried her on the beach.” It's too much. It's too much to convey in so few words. He can't possibly explain the way he loved his Mother, especially not right now when every word he's ever learned in any language is lodged in his throat, refusing to come out. He can't explain how her smell is a constant comfort and eerie reminder of his failure. Or how he misses her touch but flinched under it when she was alive. It's all too confusing for right now, but what he does know is that he is scared - truly scared- of stepping onto that California beach in 2 weeks, because he doesn't think he will be able to stand it. 

Andrew stares at nothing for a while and Neil doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t feel this way with anyone else, so sure of himself yet nervous at the same time. Andrew finally looks up, “We should go early”, “What?” Neil asks, confused. “We should go to the beach early.” Neil really doesn’t know what to say now. “Why?” “To see.” Andrew says finally. To see if it's too much to handle. “I thought you said vacations were stupid” “234%” Andrew says before standing up and looking down a Neil. Neil takes one more look across campus and thinks to himself Home. Exy. Andrew. Home. Exy. Andrew. He rises to stand close to Andrew and takes the slightest step into his space. “Thank you.” Andrew grimaces “Don't say that again” Neil blinks and turns away, heading for their room and the rough night that is sure to come.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fist time writing anything, but I wanted to give it a shot :) lmk what you think!


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